Why Sex should be part of your Self-Care

Sexual wellbeing is critical for our mental health. Having regular sex reduces stress and

creates a sense of overall wellbeing. When we feel stressed cortisol levels increase and signal

to our body fight or flight. Research shows that some people resort to more sex with their

partner when they’re stressed as it tends to reduce stress by decreasing cortisol and increasing

endorphins. Moreover, hormones released during orgasm like oxytocin make us feel safe.

However, persistent stress can affect our sexual health and libidos. When we are in fight or

flight mode, the last thing on our mind is procreation, so many people will experience

decreased levels of sexual desire when they’re stressed, which according to research can have

severe consequences for their relationship and health.

As a sex and relationship Psychologist who researches human behavior in sex and

relationships, I often get asked how much sex we should have in our relationships. The

problem is that people often compare their sex lives to others or the sex they used to have

with their partner in the beginning. The truth is that once the honeymoon phase and the

excitement that comes with a new relationship wears off, we are no longer in that intoxicating

love-drunk state that was brought on by a rush of neurochemicals like dopamine that create

an intense craving for our partner. Once we are in the attachment phase, sexual activity

usually decreases. However, there is no right amount of sex. Generally, the research agrees

that having sex once a week is enough for high relationship satisfaction. However, there is no

one size fits all. So, the question is not so much how often couples should have sex, but rather

how much sex each partner needs to be happy in the relationship. When people complain

about their sex life and the amount of time they have sex, the issue usually stems from a

mismatched libido.

When partners’ libidos are mismatched, a desire discrepancy sets in and it that can result in

sexless relationships as well as dissatisfaction, rejection, and resentment. This is especially

the case when men are the one who experience lower desire. Often the partner with lower

sexual desire is pathologized and feels the pressure to change. This is especially the case for

men. Society expects men to always be in the mood for sex and ready to go. But this

stereotype is far from accurate. Research shows that women just as much as men experience

higher levels of sexual desire relative to their partner, and that there are no differences in

lower sexual desire between women and men.

So, when it comes to our partner’s or our own low sex drive, we need to recognize that ebbs

and flows of sexual desire are natural and sexual desire discrepancies are almost inevitable

throughout the course of a relationship. However, couples often struggle to navigate this

successfully, and will often interpret their partner’s low sex drive with problems in the

relationship or wonder if there is something wrong with them. But being in the mood for sex

is more interpersonal than that.

Research found that daily external life stressors can spill over into our relationships which

could lead to conflict and lower relationship and sexual satisfaction. In addition, certain

major life events or developmental milestones like post-partum, having young children, and

menopause can also stall our sex lives, which is normal and should not be a reason for

concern. In these moments, partners should be patient and have faith that it is just a phase that

will pass. However, we need to make sure that we don’t stay stuck in that phase and end up in

sexless relationships.

Here are some things you can do to jumpstart your sex life and combat sexual desire

discrepancy in your relationship-

Communicate;

If you feel like your sexual desire has decreased or you would like to have more sex, explain

it to your partner. There may be real reasons why you are not in the mood for sex like work,

finances, or other sources of stress. As I mentioned, our sexual desire can fluctuate and isn’t

set in stone. By openly talking with your partner about it, you can find ways of relating to

each other in a compassionate way and help each other to reach a solution that works for both

of you. Make an effort to understand your partner’s needs and desires as well as your own and

try to negotiate the amount of sex that meets both your needs.

Compromise;

Meet your partner halfway. If you experience higher sexual desire than your partner, you

could try masturbating more often. If you experience lower sexual desire than your partner,

you will need to consciously decide to give in to your partner’s advances and have sex on

occasion (i.e., the amount you agree upon) to please your partner and satisfy their needs for

intimacy.

Schedule Sex;

This may not sound very romantic, but it may be exactly what you and your partner need to

fit sex into your life, especially if you both have busy schedules. But beyond just scheduling a

day, you should agree about the ideal time to schedule sex. Perhaps you and your partner

share similar levels of sexual desire, but one of you wants to have sex in the morning and the

other one prefers it at night. If you know you have a long day ahead, maybe the best time to

have sex is in the morning. Or if you have date night and go out to dinner, try to schedule sex

before so you don’t risk feeling too full and tired to have sex when you come back from

dinner.

Get yourself and your partner in the mood;

It’s important to know that we can have two types of desire. One is active desire, when we

feel horny and in the mood for sex. But there's also responsive desire, which can be jump-

started by romance and intimate touch. Sex doesn’t have to include penetrative intercourse

and not even orgasm. You can try flirty and fun activities with your partner like a massage.

By doing this you will elicit responsive desire which will get you and your partner in the

mood. The key is to create more intimacy rather than just having sex.

Skip the gym;

Many people are very disciplined about their workouts and always find time to get a workout

in their busy days, but then complain about not having time or energy for sex. If you go to the

gym every morning, perhaps you could skip one day to trade your gym session for a sex

session, you’ll get similar benefits. If your routine is to go to the gym in the evening, chances

are you will be too tired after to have sex, so maybe instead of rushing to the gym after work

you could rush home for sex and burn your calories this way. An added bonus is that you are

creating a deeper bond with your partner which is good for your both your mental and

physical health.

Avoid monotony;

Don’t make sex another part of your to-do list. It’s important to make sex fun. For example,

you can surprise your partner with some new bedroom toys like vibrators. Lubes can also

activate sexual desire. When couples explore new activities together, they tend to be happier

in their relationship and it’s a great way to explore and stimulate each other’s bodies and

create profound intimacy.

Practice mindfulness;

Mindfulness is known to relieve stress. Being mindful is an effective tool to reignite

sexual desire. Research shows that mindfulness improves sexual desire, arousal,

satisfaction, mood, and orgasms in women who seek treatment for low libido. Focus and

attention are critical for cultivating sexual desire and mindfulness meditation trains our

brain to stay in the present moment and eliminate any kind of distraction and self-

judgement. It also teaches us to connect more with our body and experience all the

sensations that come with sex. Research also shows that mindfulness meditation can lead

to better communication in couples. That’s because people who practice mindfulness

become more attuned to their partner and can feel more empathy for them.

Practice deep breathing;

Meditation is not the only way we can learn to stay present. Breathing exercises are another

way of connecting to the present moment and with ourselves. Research shows that deep

breathing further motivates arousal and connection.  

If you are under a lot of stress that impacts your sexual desire, prioritizing sex in your

intimate relationship can be an effective way to increase your desire and decrease stress.

That’s why incorporating sexuality should be part of your self-care routine. But the bottom

line is you must address your sexual desires together as a couple. By communicating openly

with your partner and acknowledging that there is a discrepancy in sexual desire, you’ll be

able to transform not only your sex life but also your relationship and overall well-being.