How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Love Life
As you may already know, a major focus of my relationship research is in understanding how our attachment styles influence our dating decisions from why we are attracted to certain people to why some of our relationships don’t work out - but most interestingly, why we form and can’t break our bad habits in dating and relationships. This framework has also made a huge difference to my personal love life and I use it to help people who are struggling in dating and their relationships and it has completely shifted their approach.
So, what is attachment theory and why does it matter?
It all started with John Bowlby, an evolutionary and developmental psychologist who believed that we are all born with an innate attachment system that has evolved to ensure our survival. The attachment system is activated when a child feels threatened. The child will then seek its caregiver. If the caregiver response and soothes the child, the attachment system is deactivated and the child feels safe which will result in a secure attachment style. Securely attached children, whose caregivers are consistently responsive to their needs, develop positive views of themselves and others, trusting that they will be protected and soothed in the event of danger or distress. However, children whose caregivers are inconsistently responsive to their needs, adapt to this scenario with a “hyperactivated” attachment system – meaning that the attachment system remains activated. This may lead to an insecure attachment style. There are two types of insecure attachment.
Anxious Attachment
Avoidant Attachment.
Adult attachment theory suggests that the way we relate to our primary caregiver will influence how we relate to our romantic attachment figure. People who are anxiously attached use activating strategies”, constantly seeking proximity to their partner. Such individuals constantly think about their partner and tend to idealize them – thinking how much better their partner is compared to them. This distortion leads to panic. And then they don’t hear back from their partners immediately, they worry they’re being abandoned – and the only way to soothe their anxiety is when they’re actively communicating with their partner. This also leads them to jump into relationships and stay in them past their expiration date because they fear being alone and worry that this is their only shot at love.
These people also tend to engage in “protest behavior” – this is the area I study in particular in my research on conflict in relationships. People with an anxious attachment style often act out in order to their partner’s attention. They might call or text their partners excessively, threaten to leave to make their partner jealous, or withdraw and ignore phone calls to punish their partner. In my research on relationship conflict, specifically infidelity and intimate partner violence, I find that these people may resort to infidelity to induce jealousy in the partner and may resort to violence as a way of controlling their partner and preventing them from leaving the relationship.
Instead, those with an avoidant attachment style use deactivating strategies. These individuals feel like they can’t rely on others to meet their emotional needs, and therefore try to minimize the pain of rejection by pretending that they don’t want to be intimate or connect. They tend to avoid getting too close to others and often pull away when they feel that intimacy is increasing. They have a fear of intimacy and often pull away when they feel like a relationship is becoming too intimate. They will resort to excuses such as “I’m not ready to commit”, “I need space”, My work is really demanding, so I can’t be in a relationship right now” in an attempt to withdraw and gain independence. These people also tend to focus on their partner’s imperfections and may use those as a way of exiting the relationship. They also imagine how much happier they’d be if they were single or with someone else.
So now let me explain why this matters and will make a huge difference to your dating life. Whenever a friend or coaching client expresses their struggles and frustrations in dating, it mostly boils down to a mismatch of attachment style. This means that often a person with an anxious attachment style wants to be in a relationship with a person who has an avoidant attachment style. The story often goes something like this: “I’ve been seeing this person, we went out on a few dates, and suddenly they stopped messaging or asking me out. I keep reaching out, but every time I try to make a plan they say they are busy. I don’t know what happened, and I can’t stop thinking about them. Things were so great, I really feel like we connected and I’m not interested in anyone else.”
If that sounds familiar to you and your current dating situation, you are caught in the “anxious-avoidant loop”.
The more the person with an avoidant attachment pulls away, the more the person with an anxious attachment style will want to seek connection and pull closer, which leads to the avoidant person who is afraid of intimacy and losing independence to withdraw even further. The problem is that people with an anxious attachment style often confuse the anxiety they experience from their fear of rejection with butterflies. Consequently, they believe they are in love and continue to hold on to hope of the avoidant person eventually reciprocating or rather giving in to their excessive attempts of pursuit.
Instead, people with a secure attachment style are reliable, consistent and trustworthy. They tend to avoid drama, and don’t play games. They’re flexible, forgiving, and good at communicating. They create healthy boundaries. They’re comfortable with intimacy. People with secure attachment styles are ideal relationship partners and are good at building healthy relationships. No wonder they tend to report higher relationship satisfaction than avoidant or anxious people.
Although 50%-60% of the population is secure, the problem is that securely attached people are fewer in the single population. That’s because secure people tend to get snatched up quickly on the dating market.
But there’s hope.
The good news is that our attachment styles are not fixed - and we can learn to develop a secure attachment style.
But first you need to become aware of your attachment style.
Love Hack 1: How much do you relate to the following statements?
Secure:
I am comfortable sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with my partner.
I enjoy pursing interests apart from my partner.
I feel loved by my partner even when we pursue interests separately from each other.
Even when we disagree, I expect that my partner will still respect and value my opinions and me.
I am comfortable depending on my partner and having my partner depend on me.
Anxious:
I am most comfortable when my partner and I share all of our thoughts, feelings, and interests – when we seem to have merged in one.
I am inclined to pursue what my partner enjoys, putting aside my own interests.
I am inclined to defer my values and opinions to my partner’s values and opinions.
Whenever I sense my partner being distant, I feel driven to reconnect (for example, frequently calling or texting); or I act angrily, such as by withdrawing or being nasty.
Avoidant:
I am uncomfortable sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with my partner.
I take pride in being self-reliant enough not to need my partner.
I am uncomfortable with my partner depending on me.
I enjoy pursing interests apart from my partner.
It’s ok if you found overlapping sentences that depict your attachment style and your relationship.
Love Hack 2: How well does your relationship meet your needs for a
Safe haven: During stressful times, how much can I depend on my partner to provide me with a sense of comfort, protection and support?
Secure base: How much does my partner support my pursuit of interests and goals apart from our relationship? How well does my relationship support my feeling good about my true sense of you I am?
Remember that the first step in your transformation is awareness. If you did the exercises and have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out. My greatest passion is to empower people to find the love and relationship they deserve, and I strongly believe that everyone can have a happy and fulfilling relationship – it just takes the right knowledge and tools. Think about it, you can’t drive a car before learning how to drive – but once you get your license, you are ready to drive confidently and discover the most amazing places.