Happy Thanksgiving, Love Evolvers!
Can you believe that we are only a month away from Christmas and a new year? It really feels like 2021 has flown by. Although this should be a joyful time and opportunity to connect with our loved ones, research shows that for many of us the holidays are a stressful time, especially for women – thinking about gifts, organizing events, pushing work deadlines, caring for children or parents – the holidays can easily drain us. Although understandable, the problem is that stress can spill-over into our romantic relationships. This is manifested in emotional distance and loss of intimacy which slowly kills romance. Unfortunately dealing with ordinary life and external stressors is not part of our fantasy when we get married and picture our happily ever after. Even as a relationship researcher who is studying the effects of stress on our relationships, I need to make a conscious effort to continuously invest in my relationship, even when I’m tired after a long day or stressed about a deadline. Especially lately, I have been so exhausted that I wouldn’t even set the table nicely for dinner, because cooking already felt like the biggest chore. Probably many of you are thinking “so what”, it’s 2021, a woman no longer has to cook dinner or set the table for her husband – just Deliveroo it, right? And my husband who is extremely supportive ofme and my career, would definitely agree with that – whatever makes my life easy. But Idon’t agree with that. When we first met, I would be really excited about trying new recipes and decorating the table to create a warm atmosphere. And so for me giving up on this habit comes as a warning. And here is why:
Through my research and my clients, I realize that those who report lower relationship quality have a love story in common. It always starts with: “in the beginning my partner would make an effort” and it always ends with: “but now he/she doesn’t seem to care anymore.” The paradox is that if you ask the partner, they equally feel like they do so much – pick up the kids from school, pay the bills, do the laundry, take out the trash– and they don’t feel appreciated by their partner.
The problem is that while we think that we are contributing to our relationship by contributing to our household, family etc., which is certainly true and can certainly be a lot to juggle, we don’t actually invest in our relationship – in romance.
So to me not creating a romantic atmosphere for dinner is a red flag signalling that my priorities have shifted. As a result, our dinners lately have been quick, almost on the go – not allowing us an opportunity to check in with each other, talk about our day and connect. I realized that in my state of being busy and preoccupied with work deadlines, I lost complete touch not only with myself, but also with my partner, which in turn, left me even more depleted. This was no wonder because research shows that having a partner’s support can be a buffer in times of stress. So for the sake of my relationship and my own well-being, I had to find a way to turn this around.
Love-Hack:
1) Identify emotions
I sometimes need to actually set aside time to connect with myself and get quiet. When I’m overwhelmed and feel burnt-out, I lose sight of what is actually going on. So setting aside “me time”, taking a bath, meditating, and journaling really helps me connect with myself. In meditation I can really dig deep into what’s coming up for me and allowing my emotions. It also helps writing my thoughts in my journal.
2) Compassion
When approaching any problem, start with compassion. In my case it was about compassion for myself. Instead of beating myself up about not making the time and putting in effort (hello perfectionist tendencies), I chose to be understanding of my circumstances. I truly have a lot going on right now, and it’s okay if I feel tired and don’t have the energy to push the extra mile. So I can forgive myself and also pat myself on the shoulder for still making the time to make a fresh home-cooked meal.
3) Communication
Once you are clear about the problem, make an appointment with your partner. I’m not kidding, research shows that we need to schedule conversations especially about conflict. For example, the last thing you want is talk to your partner just before an important work event or when they had a bad day. Always make sure to check in with your partner and ask if it’s the right time to talk – you really want to make sure that your partner can be open and receptive. When he/she agrees on a good time to talk, you can then start by expressing your feelings. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable. In my case for example, I told my husband that I’m madly in love with him and that’s why I’m sad for being too busy and not going the extra mile lately. His response was very supportive and caring, which made me feel understood, and he also acknowledged that he has been so busy lately that he didn’t even notice. And so together we came up with ideas to prioritize our time together in the evenings. Research shows that feeling understood can strengthen our connection and sense of belonging. Moreover, feeling supported by our partner creates a secure base.
4) Action Plan
Now it’s time to take responsibility. When we hold ourselves accountable, we are no longer victims of our circumstances, but rather we become the designer. In my case, I knew it was not a question of lack of time, but a question of priority. So just like I always set aside a few minutes to move my body in the morning, I would also set aside time in the evening to create a warm and inviting atmosphere for my husband and I to connect after a long day and catch up. According to the Gottman Institute these (daily) habits are rituals of connection. Ask yourself what habits can you cultivate to increase connection and strengthen your bond? It can really be as simple as having dinners together, a long kiss before going to sleep, or having coffee together in the morning.
5) Gratitude
I consider myself very lucky to have a supportive partner and I want to make sure that my daily actions and contributions to our relationship communicate my profound gratitude to him and our relationship. Remember that what you focus on you will get more of. Research shows that expressing our appreciation and gratitude for our partner can make them feel special and who doesn’t want to feel special? So let’s not wait until Thanksgiving to make our romantic partners feel valued, appreciated, desired, and wanted. If you don’t have a gratitude practice in your relationship already, you should start one today.
So many of us tend to blame our partner or our relationship, but we don’t realize that often our partner responds to us. We can’t change our partner, but we can change our behavior. Some of us are also keeping score of all the things our partner does and we are only willing to invest as much or as little as them. If we only focus on what it is we are getting out of the relationship, we will only create a cycle of frustration. But you can always break that cycle, if you choose to prioritize your relationship. The more you invest in your relationship, the better it will be and you will become more resilient in coping with life stressors, because no matter what you have going on, it will be easier when you know you’re not in it alone. So make sure you’re constantly watering your relationship so that it can flourish.
It’s amazing how much time and effort we invest in cultivating daily habits that make us more productive, healthier, younger – but how do those habits make you a better partner? How do they impact your relationship? As a relationship researcher I understand first-hand the importance of our intimate relationships. I find it fascinating that people spend so much time and resources in creating a healthy lifestyle for longevity, but do they know that the quality of our personal relationships play a huge part in our health and longevity? Do they know that loneliness is a bigger killer than smoking? And why do so many of us prioritize a spinning class over sex which not only burns more calories, but also creates intimacy and connection.
Especially around the holidays, there’s lots of advice about how to keep the body in shape, but why is there so much focus on food when it’s just serves the purpose of gathering together – in other words, the holidays are not about food, but about connection- and how we relate to others is what matters most if we want to thrive in life, not just survive. Our brains are social organs, meaning that we are wired to connect with each other and to interact in groups. Social interactions and healthy relationships with others help calm our stress-response system, and in turn, help us stay healthy and live longer. So I hope you can learn from my personal story and identify opportunities of connection in your intimate relationship and with others. And if you are single this Thanksgiving, I encourage you to make a conscious effort to connect with your family and friends or even strangers. We are social animals and not meant to be in isolation, and the holidays are a great reminder to invest in our social bonds. So enjoy this time of year, be grateful for those special relationships and all the love you have in your life