Single over the Holidays?
If you are going into this holiday season solo, don’t despair.
We have all bene there. We have all felt the vast void of losing a loved one. We have all felt the pain of being rejected. We have all felt lonely, disconnected, sad, angry, confused and frustrated in dating. But many of us don’t allow ourselves to feel this pain – so what do we do? We distract ourselves with parties, travels, hookups, and we will most likely jump into the next relationship only to find ourselves reliving the same scenarios over and over again –ultimately ending up back at square one. If this sounds familiar, don’t worry, you are not alone and Love Evolved is here to help you break this toxic cycle.
First, you need to understand why you feel this way.
Numerous studies show that physical pain and social pain (social rejection or loss) rely on shared behavioral and neural mechanisms (e.g. Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). This suggests that being rejected in love, or going through a breakup literally hurts! In an experiment conducted by DeWall and colleagues (2010), participants were given acetaminophen or a placebo on a daily basis for three weeks to see whether acetaminophen would reduce social pain (hurt feelings). Indeed, they found that people in the acetaminophen group reported feeling less hurt on a daily basis than those in the placebo group. This means that acetaminophen, an active ingredient found in some popular over-the-counter pain relievers such as Tylenol, can also reduce the pain felt from being rejected in love or losing our lover. However, before you run to the next CVS, there are major consequences to coping with loss in this way – not only can you develop a dependence on such substances, but moreover, another study by Durso and colleagues (2015) demonstrated that people who took acetaminophen and were exposed to both positive and negative stimuli, evaluated both conditions as less positive or negative.
This suggests that acetaminophen generally blunts people’s emotional processing regardless of the experience being negative or positive. In other words, taking pain medicine to numb any negative feelings you are experiencing from your loss will also numb any positive experience you are having.
So instead of numbing or escaping your heartbreak, a breakup is an opportunity to check in with ourselves and confront those deep emotions to come up with an action plan and move forward. Grief serves an adaptive purpose, so when you take notice of your emotions and allow yourself to go through the grieving process mindfully, you will gain personal insight that will not only help heal your broken heart but moreover will allow you to find out what you truly want and attract new love into your life. When you not only allow the natural flow of your emotions, but moreover realize that this is nature’s way of actually helping you move forward, you will no longer feel the need to run away from your pain.
If you are currently finding yourself in a cycle of obsessive thoughts about your ex or beating yourself up for past mistakes or wrong choices you have made,– the holidays are actually a great opportunity to practice self-care and cultivate self-love by slowing down and look after yourself. Without daily life distractions, you can spend time with yourself and get to know what makes YOU happy. This is the only way to gain clarity about what it is you want in a partner and from a relationship.
But if you feel overwhelmed to cope on your own, I have developed my coaching method to help you transform your thinking around relationships, recalibrate your values and manifest better future partners. I want you to know that you are not alone, everyone goes through loss, but it’s the grieving with purpose that will make all the difference in getting the outcome you desire. With my method, I will show you that you hold the key to unlock the barriers you have built around your heart. At Love Evolved you can find the tools and seek support to help you transform your broken heart into an open heart! Remember that your heartbreak is an opportunity for growth and finding the love you want and deserve.
Love-Hack: Ride the Breakup Wave to your New Relationship
A Visualization Practice
Breakups are a natural part of life, and our task is to become comfortable with changes, and flexible in letting go of the past and move fearlessly with the flow with trust in a better future.
Close your eyes and imagine you are a surfer, out in the ocean, waiting for a wave. As soon as the wave comes what do you do? You jump up onto your board and you let the wave carry you all the way to share, full of trust - that means letting go of all fear and resistance. It takes practice to master surfing, and in the beginning, you may fall down a few times, but you will get back up and become stronger and better, and eventually you will be able to find the thrill of catching and riding the wave of change. You will no longer be lost at sea, but rather be safe on shore and find new adventures on new grounds. Now imagine if instead of taking you back to shore, this particular wave could take you to a new place with new people and adventures waiting for you. Now imagine that where you end up entirely depends on which wave you are going to catch. So, you have to make sure that you mindfully choose the right one. Be clear on where you want to go. Be convinced of your vision. Then catch the wave, and trust that it will take you there, to your new life. What does it look like? How does this new life make you feel? Who will you meet there? What relationship are you going to have with this person? What does it feel like being there with this person? Be very specific. Now open your eyes and write down your answers on a piece of paper or in your journal.
According to Positive Psychology research, our brains don’t know to distinguish reality from fiction – that’s how we get so wound up about worries about the past or the future that are actually not relevant to our present moment. So when you are feeling down, this visualization can instantly make you feel better. Instead of imagining fears and doubts about your future, start visualizing the outcome you desire and rewire your brain to think thoughts of hope rather than despair. Remember what you focus on you will see more of.
References
DeWall, C.N., MacDonald, G., Webster, G.D., Masten, C.L., Baumeister, R.F., Powell, C., Combs, D., Schurtz, D.R., Stillman, T.F., Tice, D.M., Eisenberger, N.I. (2010). Acetaminophen Reduces Social Pain: Behavioral and Neural Evidence. Psychological Science, 21, 931-937.
Durso, G.R., Luttrell, A., Way, B.M. (2015). Over-the-Counter Relief from Pains and Pleasures Alike: Acetaminophen Blunts Evaluation Sensitivity to Both Negative and Positive Stimuli. Psychological Science, 26, 750-758.
Eisenberger, N.I., Lieberman, M.D. (2004). Why rejection hurts: The neurocognitive overlap between physcial and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8, 294-300.