Add some Kink to your Holiday Season

I don’t know about you, but the past year has been an emotional roller coaster ride – from arranging two weddings during COVID-19 and having one cancelled, not being able to see most of my family due to strict government travel regulations, worrying about loved ones’ health, refurbishing our home, finishing up my PhD and launching Love Evolved.

With so much on my mind, I was relying on my husband for emotional support. And while I’m very grateful to have such a strong rock to lean on, as a relationship researcher who has been studying the effects of stress on relationships, and therefore understands its consequences (e.g., conflict) first-hand, I need to make sure that we don’t fall into the trap of letting life’s challenges and stress spill over into our relationship – and ruin “the mood”.

This is especially important because we are still not out of the COVID-woods. With governments constantly updating COVID-regulations, we will continue to live with uncertainty, worry, and frustration. Although it is only normal and understandable that there are stressful times or major life events (e.g., starting a new job, taking care of a newborn) that take up necessary energy resources for couples to invest in intimacy, it is important to acknowledge that we all live in very busy yet uncertain times. Indeed, anxiety and depression have been on the rise and have significantly increased since the onset of COVID-19. In this new normal, where we are further isolated from others, our intimate partners have become our sole source of support. As such, we have placed more demands and expectations on them and on our relationships than ever before. Renowned relationship psychologists Esther Perel and Eli Finkel have previously pointed out how such high demands can ultimately result in frustration, especially when our partners can’t meet all of our needs and expectations, which can ultimately result in lack of intimacy and conflict. Indeed, many couples ended up separating and intimate-partner violence cases have significantly increased worldwide during the pandemic. Needless to say, stress can be an intimacy killer for relationships.

But don’t worry, you came to the right place. Love Evolved is here to show you how you and your partner can survive the holiday COVID-madness and teach you Love Hacks to overcome these challenging times together and thrive.

Thanks to recent research conducted during the time of COVID, we can now shine some light on the secret of couples’ relationship success during these stressful times. Specifically for today’s blog post we will turn our gaze on a recent study conducted by the Kinsey Institute which found that “sexual novelty” increased relationship satisfaction in couples during COVID-19 lockdown.

So, what is sexual novelty and how can we introduce it into our long-term relationship?

When US President Calvin Coolidge and the First Lady visited a government farm in the state of Kentucky, Mrs. Coolidge asked the guide why there was only one cockerel when there were so many hens. The guide explained that the cockerel could copulate many times a day to which she replied ‘‘Tell that to Mr. Coolidge.’’ When the President found out, he was equally amazed and asked the guide whether it was the same hen every time, to which the guide replied: “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different one every time” – to which the President replied ‘‘Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge’’.

This anecdote has coined the term “Coolidge effect” and refers to arousal by sexual novelty. This effect has been observed in several species as well as in humans. There are (of course) evolutionary explanations for this which I will not go into detail here (for more information stay tuned for the release of my chapter in the upcoming Oxford Handbook of Infidelity currently in press). However, the Coolidge Effect has important implications for our intimate relationships. Specifically, it may explain why our sexual interest for our long-term relationship-partner may decline over time and why we potentially get aroused by and fantasize about other people even though we love and are committed to our intimate partner. Therefore, when we acknowledge that the Coolidge Effect is part of our evolved brain mechanisms, we realize that our desire for sexual novelty is only to be expected and doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with us or with the relationship. It also doesn’t mean that we should be non-monogamous. Although being consensually non-monogamous, can certainly be an option for some couples, and they may enjoy exploring sexual novelty through the introduction of novel sexual partners (e.g., swinging, threesomes etc), there are other ways to introduce sexual novelty to overcome boredom, increase sexual interest and keep the passion alive in a monogamous relationship.

For example, sexual novelty can be generated by introducing new erotic stimuli or trying new sexual acts (e.g., Dawson et al., 2013), or through participating in new activities and engaging in new arousing behaviors together (e.g., Aron et al., 2000). Moreover, a study during COVID-19 showed that couples who shared sexual fantasies and explored new sexual positions were more likely to report improvement in their sex lives (Lehmiller et al., 2020).

So this holiday season, whether you are traveling or locked down at home with your partner, take the opportunity to spice things up in the bedroom. Not convinced yet? Research from neuroscience has also shown that orgasms can significantly reduce stress and anxiety (Wise, 2020), so if you want to lower your stress levels and increase connection and relationship satisfaction at the same time, you may want to get creative “in the bedroom” (or wherever else).

If you need some inspiration, Love-Honey has created an amazing Advent Calendar filled with fun and new adventures for every day that will surely help to get you out of your intimacy comfort zone. Especially if you have never experimented with sex toys in your relationship before, this is a great way to start and explore new ways of arousing yourself and your partner. And it’s now on sale, need I say more? https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/sex-toy-kits/p/lovehoney-sweet-seduction-couples-gift-set-12-piece/a45750g82346.html

So here’s wishing you a kinky holiday and happy-ending to 2021 ☺️

Yours,

Love-Evolved!

References

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of personality and social psychology, 78(2), 273.

Dawson, S. J., Suschinsky, K. D., & Lalumière, M. L. (2013). Habituation of sexual responses in men and women: A test of the preparation hypothesis of women's genital responses. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(4), 990-1000.

Lehmiller, J. J., Garcia, J. R., Gesselman, A. N., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Less sex, but more sexual diversity: Changes in sexual behavior during the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic. Leisure Sciences, 1-10.

Wise, N. (2020). Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the neuroscience of pleasure for smarter, happier, and more purpose-filled life. Houghton Mifflin.