Create Relationship Goals for 2022
Happy New Year, Love Evolvers. As we are entering a new year I would like to share with you a tradition that my husband and I look forward to each year. Right after the holidays, we like to take advantage of the downtime to reflect on the past year and think about what we want to accomplish in the new year, and we make it official by writing it down on a piece of paper. Over the years, this tradition of setting goals has manifested in achieving our relationship goals and moreover creating the life we want together.
Indeed, research shows that setting goals not only helps us align our focus on a shared vision,
but it also triggers new behaviors that promote a sense of self-mastery. Setting goals also
holds us accountable and motivates us to improve and become better versions of ourselves.
But most importantly, our shared goals have kept us focused on our shared vision and
strengthened our commitment to each other and to our relationship. This is what relationship
researchers like me refer to as couple identity - the degree to which we think of our
relationship as a team. When we see ourselves as team-players (playing on the same team),
we will each be motivated to act in the best interest of our relationship rather than focusing
on maximizing personal gains – “We” vs. “I”. Healthy“We-ness” refers to an intimate bond
that provides individuals with a sense of shared identity - not enmeshment or co-dependency.
It’s about creating and protecting a vision of being together in the future.
So what do relationship goals look like and how do they differ from our personal new year
resolutions?
New year resolutions or personal goals tend to center around our bodies, career, and finances, rather than on our intimate relationships. For example, if we want to be in better physical shape, we would create a habit of getting up an hour earlier to exercise every morning and eat healthier meals. And while exercise and a balanced diet can benefit both our physical and mental health, focusing only on body and mind we are ignoring an equally important part of our life: our intimate relationship. Relationship research continuously shows that couples who have better marriages tend to report higher well-being, and better health (long-term) and a recent study on happiness showed that the most important aspects related to happiness are our social bonds.
Because our intimate relationships impact every aspect of our life, for 2022 make it your focus to get your relationship right and set relationship goals to create your most fulfilled life.
If you and your partner are committed to your relationship, and you want to take it to the next level, start 2022 by writing down your couple goals. Here are some science-based tips to get you started.
Start by reflecting and taking an honest look at where you are and how you have progressed over the past year(s). Research shows that we don’t really know ourselves, nor our relationships, so it’s important that we take some time to go deep and reflect. Think about what it is you liked and want more of, as well as what you want to improve.
Set time aside to have an honest and open conversation. Here’s how you can set yourself up for success. When you see your relationship as the main source of positive experiences, what we call “social approach motivation”, you will be able to seek out the positive aspects of your relationship that will help your relationship to flourish. Let your good vibes spill over to your partner. This is especially important during these pandemic times when our relationship may have suffered the burden of external strains more than ever. By focusing on the positives, you can lay the foundation for a good fresh start for the new year.
Be each other’s biggest fans. We all need to feel emotionally supported and there’s nothing more empowering than having our partner be our biggest cheerleader, regardless of how big our dreams are. If you feel like you would like more support from your partner, don’t be afraid to express your needs, and devise productive ways your partner could provide this support for you and vice versa. We often just expect our partners to know exactly what we want, but they do not mind readers, open communication and simply asking for what is key to any relationship, and takes off the pressure we place on each other.
Incorporate fun activities together. Yes, space is good, especially if you both have been working remotely – I feel you! But, together time is crucial for our intimate relationships, especially if we don’t want our mundane daily lives to kill our intimacy. Try by listing new things you can do together such as adventures, exploring new spots for date nights – or maybe you can pick up a hobby together. For more ideas check out my blog post on novelty and how to spice things up in your relationship.
Put your partner first. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I like to preach about self-care. And yes, looking after ourselves is crucial and having a healthy relationship with our Self, can help improve our intimate relationships. However, if we want to take our relationship to the next level, we need to think about what we can do for our partner to make them feel appreciated. Putting our partner first and making it about their desires once in a while is part of being in a relationship. A recent study showed that prioritizing our partner can actually make us feel closer, increase positive feelings and relationship well-being. So for the new year think of ways you can make your partner feel special and desired – if you don’t know how, just ask them.
Touch each other more. Research shows that initiating and receiving touch can boost your relationship quality and make you feel closer, more understood, and validated. Moreover, physical touch triggers oxytocin. So if you want to increase your attachment and boost relaxation, touch each other more. For example, your new year’s resolution could be to increase “after-sex affection” such as cuddling or spooning after sex, which has been shown to boost happiness not only with your sex life but also with your relationship.
Have more quality sex. Research shows that when it comes to sex in our relationship, it’s not the quantity that matters. Indeed, research shows that couples who force themselves to have more sex are less happy. Sex should be something you want to do instead of something you have to do.
Here are some suggestions for creating new habits for your sex life:
Be more in the moment. Especially when we have a lot on our minds, there’s a chance we won’t be able to get out of our head and get fully aroused or reach orgasm. If that’s you, try practicing mindfulness, a state of present-moment awareness. Meditation can be a great way to learn how to focus your attention on the present and has been shown to help with sexual difficulties.
Talk about your sexual fantasies (and turn them into reality!). Research shows that couples who openly share their sexual fantasies with each other have more satisfying sex lives. Moreover, sharing and acting on fantasies has been shown to help women reach orgasm.
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