Is he/she “The One”?
Romantic relationships - We see them in movies, TV shows and social media, we read about them in novels, magazines and poems – and we want them. We want to be loved and desired. We want someone to see us for who we really are. We want a wild adventure, passionate sex, but we also want comfort. We want connection, growth and fulfilment. And so, we go on our search for “the one” – that one special person who will fulfil all of our needs and desires, but also someone who is attractive, funny, tall, kind, warm, intelligent. We don’t want someone boring though, not “too nice”, we want someone who is independent yet not afraid of commitment, we want someone loyal, someone who values family and friends, and loves animals. Someone who likes to travel, exercise, and likes the same food and music. I’m sure you can add more characteristics when it comes to your ideal lover’s list. Evolutionary psychologists refer to these characteristics as “mate preferences”.
From an evolutionary psychological perspective (sexual selection theory), no single decision is more important than the choice of a mate. Good mate choices can bring several reproductive benefits, such as genes for healthy immune functioning, physical protection, and provisioning of resources for self and offspring. Whereas poor mate choices can be costly, such as sexually transmitted diseases, a DNA packet with a high mutation load, reputational damage, and abandonment. These dramatic costs and benefits have imposed tremendous selection pressure over the million years since the origins of sexual reproduction. Numerous studies have examined the characteristics that men and women desire in a long- term mate. It is now well established that men and women differ in several mate preferences. For example, across several decades of assessments, across different methodologies, and across different cultures, men more than women value physical attractiveness in a long-term mate (indication of youth/fertility), whereas women more than men value good financial prospects in a long-term partner (indication of being able to provide for offspring). In other words, men and women choose a partner that is able to fulfil their basic survival needs.
Although our dating behavior is very much still influenced by these evolved mechanisms - today, as most of us in the industrial world have our basic needs like food and shelter met, we no longer rely on our partner to help us survive. Modern relationships have evolved to provide us emotional fulfilment, intimacy, belonging and connection – as well as personal growth and self-expression.
So, what role do mate preferences play in the process of early romantic-relationship development? One study aimed to answer this question but the findings were not as straightforward. The researchers found that indeed, mate preferences guided behavior by directing men and women to select and pursue potential romantic partners according to their sex-typical ideals. However, they also found that people do not actually know what they desire in a romantic partner. There could be two reasons for this (1) people don’t compare potential romantic partners with an ideal until after a relationship has begun or (2) people attempt a comparison but it is flawed.
The problem seems to be that although it’s easy to know what we want from our relationship (i.e., to be happy and fulfilled), it’s hard to truly know exactly what we have. The result is doubt.
Initially, we wonder, “Does this person like me?” and later, we ask ourselves, “Am I settling?” or “Is this too good to be true?” Relationship researchers refer to this as the relationship imposter phenomenon, meaning that we can still have doubts about the relationship even though everything is going well.
Eventually, we ask ourselves “Are they really “The One”?”
Although cold feet and doubts are common, they can be harmful and undermine even the best relationships. A study of newlywed couples showed that in two out of the 464 couples, at least one person had doubts about the relationship and higher divorce rates were related to more doubts in women. We don’t want to be alone, but we also really don’t want to settle. So what to do? How do we know for sure whether our doubts are completely legitimate or false.
Luckily, there are a few things we can do to feel more confident. But first we need to shift our mindset:
The concept of “the one” can be dangerous
When things are going well in the relationship, it is easy to think of our partner as “the one”. But during challenging times this belief can be harmful, because it can make us question the entire relationship (i.e., if they’re the one they should not do this or say that). Moreover, flaws that at first seemed adorable or minor often lose their appeal over time and come out in conflicts. In this case, the idea of “the one” can make us settle and endure the endless arguments because we believe that this person is “the one” and so we force ourselves to make it work, thinking that there is only “one” person out there for us, thinking we are trapped in a less than ideal situation and can’t get out.
The concept of an effortless “happily ever after” can be dangerous.
The Disney theory we have all been raised on, does not equip us with particularly good ideas of what a healthy relationship is. There is no such thing as a flawless relationship, because there’s no such thing as a flawless person. The relationships that flourish are those in which two people bring high expectations to the relationship and then invest enough in the relationship to ensure that the relationship actually meets the expectations.
The reality of love is that just like we constantly evolve as individuals, relationships evolve too – especially as we go through changes such as in our careers, finances, having and raising children, relationships need to constantly adapt to our new circumstances and so to keep the spark alive, a relationship requires work.
Rather than asking whether our partner is “the one”, we should instead ask ourselves whether this is someone that we can grow and evolve with, and whether the relationship is worth working on or not?
Love-Hack
Below is a list of 15 questions based on relationship research.
Consider each question and answer truthfully with a simple “yes” or “no”
Does your partner make you a better person, and do you do the same for them?
Are you and your partner both comfortable with sharing feelings, relying on each other, being close, and able to avoid worrying about the other person leaving?
Do you and your partner accept each other for who you are, without trying to change each other?
When disagreements arise, do you and your partner communicate respectfully and without contempt or negativity?
Do you and your partner share decision-making, power and influence in the relationship?
Is your partner your best friend, and are you theirs?
Do you and your partner think more in terms of “we” and “us”, rather than “you” and “I”?
Would you and your partner trust each other the passwords to social media and bank accounts?
Do you and your partner have good opinions of each other- without having an overinflated positive view?
Do your close friends, as well as your partner’s, think you have a relationship that will stand the test of time?
Is your relationship free of red flags like cheating, jealousy, and controlling behavior?
Do you and your partner share the same values when it comes to politics, religion, the importance of marriage, the desire to have kids (or not) and how to parent?
Are you and your partner willing to sacrifice your own needs, desires, and goals for each other (without being a doormat
Do you and your partner both have agreeable and emotionally stable personalities?
Are you and your partner sexually compatible?